When you feel like you are failing.

More and more of late i have been feeling unsettled.  I don't know if it this time of year or not.  All year I have gradually become more and more antsy.  To the point where some days I will catch myself doing things and I don't like the person who has done them... Like this week, I just realised that every time one of my boys starts crying I have an immediate reaction to go cross them instead of showing compassion and tending to them.  Today, however I noticed I wasn't the only one.  My eldest  had just thrown his head back on the couch to watch some tv, and the cushion must have not been on properly because he hit his head on the wooden beam on the back of the couch.  He of course started crying in distress and pain and then my brain flew into action.  After first stopping myself from getting mad, as I was in the middle of doing something, I quickly ran to his side and held him and made sure I asked if he was ok and soothed him.  I then asked my hubby to grab something cold from the freezer to put on it whilst I silently thanked my Lord God that he hadn't split his head open and was bleeding.  Then it happened... while he was searching for the right kind of cold thing in the freezer he uttered these words, "Well see Ash, you should be more careful!".  I quickly told him to not go mad when his son was in pain but at the same time I choked back a tear knowing full well I almost had the same reaction.     I have noticed the dragon lady appear often in my house to my annoyance (and probably everyone else's as well).  Most times it is in the morning just before walking out the door for school or at bed time when two little monkeys won't stay in their beds.

Tonight while I was sitting on the floor of Zion's room waiting of him to go to sleep, (that's a whole other story), I was looking through two books that I bought about this time last year I think.  They are  I love dirt! and Imagine Childhood.  Both are great books and I can recommend them both highly.  However, I realised that I have done next to nothing with them both.  I want to be a natural, resourceful, and fun mum but I have become a mean, strict, sergeant of a mother.  I don't like her.  I also sometimes wonder if my boys will one day end up talking about me on a show such as Dr.Phil or the likes.  

However, there are those moments when you realise that you must be doing something (albeit ever so small) right.  Tonight as we were preparing to go and give gifts to some family members I told Asher that he probably wouldn't be getting anything in return when he gave the gifts.  At first he was about to have a pity party and I told him that if he had a problem with not getting anything then he needed to go to his room and sort it out with God.  As Christmas is more about giving and not getting.   Yes, he is 6 and to most kids that is exactly what they think Christmas is - getting, but we are not raising our boys this way.  After our chat things went back to normal and he changed his attitude and looked forward to giving the gifts.  Then on our way there in the car he simply said, "You know what mum, I don't need any gifts because I have mummy and daddy and God!"  (Completely unexpected proud mummy moment right there.) I told him I was so proud of him and his attitude.  

I am now re-evaluating my priorities... who is first and what needs to go.  Person under construction.