2020 and I finally have something to say...

 Wow! So it has been a few years since my last post... ok a lot of years.  

There are so many things that I want to say and I can't eloquently put them down so as usual you will get a "whatever is in my head, I put on here" thoughts.

20 years ago I had what I thought was the worst year of my life.  I was used, abused and got a tattoo as a keepsake.  However who would have thought that 2020 would happen and well, I don't want to say it was the worst but it definately gave my worst year a run for its money.

Lets just start witht he elephant in the room... World pandemic. Follow that up with being stuck indoors with my whole family for weeks on end and lets say my mental health got a good kick.  Homeschooling two boys who struggle to listen to just one simple instruction at a time, paired with, lack of understanding and an inability to read and you start to get my picture. At the time i took comfort`in the fact that I was not alone and everyone was doing it tough and whilst I knew they didn't all have to read aloud year 7 geography text books and navigate text to talk on every computer program for their autistic teen, I was ok.  Kind of.  At first I thought that this was the perfect opertunity to home school my boys and see if I liked it. (Spoiler - I did not.) This novelty soon wore off and I started going down hill fast.  My day consisted of waking up and looking at what the boys had to do for the day and working out who I could help first and how to explain it. (A lot of times I could not.)  Then making sure the family ate or were caffinated, in the case of my teen and myself, then to the books. I always did it early. We also tried taking a walk before study as well. To be honest my day went like this.

Wake up

Computer

Coffee

Computer - because lets face it I didn't know what I was looking at before coffee.

Whinging, complaining, shoving food at the boys to eat. - we called this "breakfast time".

Tears, meltdowns, screaming, loud noise and more tears - we called this "school time".

Then as early as possible - I kicked the boys outside for 30 mins with food and a chance for Dad to have his online meeting in quiet.

Follow all this by the boys coming inside and playing learning games or finishing other workand then on the ipad until I had the energy to deal with them again.

I am not proud of the amount of time they spent on the ipad during this time. I am also not proud of how fast I went downhill, and would have to have an afternoon nap and watched every hallmark movie I could to numb myself.  It was a fast, downhill spiral.  One I wish to never have to repeat.  

You know how when other mums tell of their amazing stories of breastfeeding when you can't and their babies sleeping through when yours can't or just won't?  You know that feeling of wanting to slap them so hard or hate them for life.  Well that is about my experience when another mum tells me how wonderful it was to have time at home with their family and how they loved homeschooling and how relaxing the time home was.  I can not say one of those things are true for me.  

I am an extrovert, however, I have realised I need space... and LOTS of it.  I have suffocated this year under all of that, oh and a new diagnosis for Mr 9 - who has been also diagnosed with Autism along with an Anxiety Disorder.  Living with someone who has anxiety is full on and pair that with Autism, well its "fun" to say the least.  Thankfully I love my kids and my husband, but this year has put that all to the test.  I sound horrible, I know.  But for me it is really hard.  Recently I went to my doctor as I thought I was sick or somethign was not right with my hormones or blood levels. After a full set of blood tests it turns out I was right, something was wrong, but it wasn't my blood, hormones or the like. The doctor told me I was simply burnt out.  So this is what that feels like... 

On a postitive note for the year - I joined a gym when they all opened back up. It is an all womens gym and it has been amazing for me.  Leaving the house, away from my all male family and with women, and the exercise has definately helped me.  I am loving pilates and have made some friends there, all of them are at least 20 years older than me but thats ok I love it.

Also, we have been very blessed that my hubby has been able to keep his job and work from home so I am so thankful to God for that.  He has now started back in the office one day a week and in the new year they are going to be going in 3 days a week.  I can't tell you how nice it is to have the house to myself for one day a week. 

I know a lot of people have done it much tougher both mentally and financially than I have this year and some have even lost loved ones either through the sickness or other causes.  I fully acknowledge the fact that I have been blessed and all these trials are making me stronger in my faith and the One who I believe in. 

As this year draws closer to an end I am praying for a better next year, but above all else that God's will be done here on earth. 

The lead up to the New Year... and Christmas...

I have decided that after such a long hiatus on here I need to start again... why... I am not really sure but I feel like I need a place to speak out at what life is like for us here.

Lets start with some facts shall we...

1 - I love God. Like not in a religious way - but in a am more in love with him than my self, my kids and even my husband... like seriously love. I love His Word - the bible and all it entails.

2 - I am happily married. Yes life is up and down but we are committed to each other and staying together no matter what.  It helps we are headed on the same journey with God.  I won't talk about him much on here as he is pretty private and wants to stay that way which I respect and will honour.

3 - I am a mother to two boys. They drive me completely nuts but I love them both with the fiercest and most intense love a mother can.  They are super awesome as well.
My youngest loves superheroes but still needs his mum and is as stubborn as a mule, oh and loud.  He will start prep next year he is slightly nervous about this and may cry which in turn will make me fall apart (not in front of him of course).  My oldest son has an amazing love for God and an amazing brain.  He also has Autism and as a result has difficulties in paying attention and learning.  I see all these things as positives but they are also what cause me to cry the most.

This is my life.  I am in no way ungrateful for everything the Lord has given (or taken from) me.  Including our three daughters who now live with Him.

As I mentioned my youngest starts prep next year and so I have been contemplating what I will do next year.  I feel like I am a in year 12 all over again and have to know what I want to do for the rest of my life.  Well I already know I will be a mother and carer for quite some time to come, but I know there is more for me to do.  Our finances could do with a bit of a hand and so I am looking to go back to work... we go to work... this is where I come undone.  I am happy to do pretty much any kind of work but I need to do it part time or casually.  I need a resume and that in its self is super hard!!!

Mother of two returning to workforce, need to work part time or casual around school hours due to having to be there to drop off and pick up sons, one of whom barely can hold his emotions in any further than the back gate after a day of intense dealings with the school world.

Anyway, any suggestions on how to word and work a resume that is about 10 years old would be appreciated.

Catch up (with pics)!

Catch up time with the photos...

Finally we got a great pic of all of us...

I had a birthday and celebrated with this one...

Mr A started year 3... Still an explorer...

Mr Z got brave enough for the massive slides (with big brother's help)...

We went hiking and camping... 

Ended up just hiking...

Walked 20km in one day with massive packs...

Determined to do better next time...

Mr Z learned how to rock out...

I became a god-mum to this adorable little man... 

And I got my sewing machine out of its hiatus to make a weighted blanket for Mr A! 

Phew, well there you go, that's this year caught up!

Tears at bedtime...

I don't know what it's like at bedtime at your house but in our house there is the same routine every night.  It goes something like this...

- pyjamas on. 

- brush teeth. 

- into bed.

- story.

- prayers. 

- then usually a song or music. 

Sounds very calm and right out of a textbook right?  Well it's usually sounds a lot like this...

"pyjamas on... Go and put your pyjamas on... Stop playing with that... Brush your teeth... Have you brushed your teeth... Don't hit your brother... Get your toothbrush out of the bathtub... Hop into bed... get into bed I said!... No you can't have any more to eat... No I won't go and get that thing you want to show me out of the car because you left it there... Get out of his room...if you don't get into bed now there won't be any story......."   

I think you get the picture. Brad plays basketball so at least once a week I do this routine between the two of them and it's usually crazier than ever and need a wine or two once I know they are officially asleep!

But tonight I had a win!

It was a small one, but it absolutely made my night.

Tonight I decided to put them both in Asher's bed and get him to read his homework reader to Zion.  

He read like an absolute champion! I had tears.  Even now thinking of it I have them again! Was so beautiful!!!!!

Asher had struggled with reading and even knowing letters, actually he still does struggle. So for tonight to happen it was truly God helping him.

As for the rest of my night, well Asher is currently trying to read a chapter book as best he can and I am sitting on the floor in Zions room waiting for him to fall asleep.... So it continues. 

2015 begins...

Today marked the official beginning of my year because it was back to school day. School holidays don't count as they seem the same for 6 weeks and the new school year is a bigger deal. For me anyway. Big grade 2-er this year and one in a pre-kindy room at daycare! I'm working two days a week and possibly doing countless other things as well. I am looking at taking on "Music Time" which Zion goes to on a Monday. I'm also hoping to help in class sometimes this year and as its a fete year for school possibly the craft group. Along with those things there is Kids Church, Podcasts and preaching on the table at church! Yes a big year indeed. I'm not sure I will say yes to everything but that's what's all a possible year for me. Ok I'm tired now thinking about it all... I think I need a little lie down. 

A year in review...

As I sit and ponder back of the year that's been, I realise that it's gone so fast. 

This year Asher was in year one and has had a wonderful teacher who was able to not only help him learn the way he best learns, but has encouraged him in the areas he is good at. Out now 7 year old loves learning about nature, animals and all things science like. He likes doing experiments and teaching us what he has learnt. Asher has done some swimming lessons these past few months and is becoming more confident in the water and will continue lessons in the new year. We have also just started getting him extra help through an Occupational Therapist which he also is loving and we are seeing his strength and abilities improve. I can't believe he will be in year 2 already next year! It has been a fun year watching him learn to spell and read sight words. We have rejoiced with every milestone at school as he has worked hard.  The other thing he loves is finding out about the Bible stories we read and who God is through them. He is very wise when it comes to his faith and isn't afraid to shine it where ever he goes. 

He loves making things...

Then there is the younger half of the "gang", Zion!  Earlier this year Zion started day care for two days a week. This wasn't an easy transition for he and I but it was definitely needed by both of us. He is only now starting to come out of his shell there and they are seeing glimpses of the real crazy, zany Zion we know. He loves his teacher as well and when I had an interview with her she was shocked (as was I) that we were getting totally different Zion's at day care and home. She couldn't imagine him being loud, rambunctious and totally demanding of everyone's attention and I couldn't imagine him being quiet for a whole hour let alone a whole day! Hah!  It will be interesting to see how he goes when he has to move up rooms next year. We have done a few other activities this year as well while Asher is at school we have tried Kanga-bop (gymnastics for tots) which is loves and is a natural at. He can even do somersaults and handstands. Taught of course by Asher. (Crazy I tell ya!) His favorite time of the week though is our Monday mornings at Music Time! We go to our lovely friends house where she does singing and music for any kids who want to come. Zion loves singing and dancing and playing music and often he will be laying in bed or sitting in the car or playing around and singing to himself LOUDLY I might add. We also are both requested every night to sing to him before he goes to sleep. Not lullabies but things like "Fruit Salad" by the Wiggles or something else catchy and not at all soft. I think he may take up the drums like Daddy when he's older as he likes them now and likes things loud. He is our 3 year old with attitude. You'll often find him talking on the phone with his hand on his hip or running around with a mask and cape being "Batman". He likes to dress up and pretend a lot which has been a new concept for us as Asher never liked to do that sort of thing. 

This Superhero wears himself out...

The boys are similar in many ways but polar opposite in others. Why just today at a Christmas festival Asher wanted to jump on the jumping castle and Zion wanted to watch and then Asher wanted to play with the animals in the petting pen and Zion wanted to do Christmas craft. Yes life is never dull with those two and they are often arguing but they love each other and can play well together as well. We are blessed. 

As for Brad, well he's still with me (thankfully hehe). He has been working hard this year with lots of big projects at work. He's also just recently decided it's time for his midlife crisis. Just kidding but he would like a career change which I'm pleased about as it means he's less likely to want a wife change. He's started a massage course which he can do externally whilst still working. I, of course am having to put in many hours of being his test dummy to practice on. Lucky for him I love massages. Also, guess what you are all getting for Christmas from now on family! He is still also enjoying his drumming and plays in the band at church as well. He is also currently growing a beard. 

Then there is me. I have found this year to be quite hectic. Even though I have had two days to myself each week with Zion at day care I have managed to fill them to the brim, most recently with work. I have started working for my brother Steve who has started up Stark Air Conditioning with his friend. I am loving being back at work and having great bosses. There is something nice about an adult asking you to do stuff for them rather than a child demanding you do stuff for them. My crafting has fallen on the way side this year with many abandoned projects, however I did manage to make a beautiful quilt which I am quite proud of. 

The highlight of our year as a family was our very first (with all four of us) family camping trip! We went to Elanda Point for a week and we all loved it!! It was so relaxing and for me to say that it really was! We couldn't have done it with out the help of my sister and brother-in-laws help, as they went as well and took most of our stuff as it wouldn't fit in our car (even though we borrowed mum and dads as it was bigger).   We will definitely be going again next year of we can and hopefully by then we will have a bigger car to haul all our stuff. 

So that's our year in a nutshell really. We hope you have had a great year as well and that this Christmas time you will be able to enjoy time out with your loved ones and reflect on the true meaning of Christmas and the birth of the one who came to save the world. 

Choosing a right attitude.

Yes just because I am writing about choosing a right attitude doesn't mean I get it right all the time..

Every day we wake up and we choose what to wear.  I don't normally like this decision so early in the morning so I leave it until I absolutely have to decide and even then I just wear whatever is the most comfy.  However, yesterday was Sunday, church day and I decided to make a bit more of an effort. I knew it wouldn't go unnoticed, not that I was doing it to get noticed-I really didn't care or want to be noticed so much. I just thought I would make a bit more effort.  Was I comfortable? Not really.  Did I think I looked good? Not particularly.  Did I like what I wore? No.  I simply wore a skirt and shoes with a small heel and a pretty necklace.  Yes for me that is dressing up.  I don't really like fashion and I have my own unique style which I neglect for the everyday comfort dressing.  Anyway, I digress.  What I I wore was more than just the clothes, it was a different kind of attitude.  

Yesterday, like too many days before I was unhappy, cranky, angry and feeling incredibly BLAH.   I have known for some time that things need to change, but I didn't know what exactly.  Whilst I made a choice yesterday, without really knowing what that choice was, I did to realise that what needed changing was my attitude!  I was at a real low with myself and my family.  The boys all wanted to go out but I wanted to have my pity party with a side of "I'm angry at you all" and stay home. Thankfully I stopped my tantrum in time to go out with them and we had a nice stroll looking at birds and exploring with them.  I needed to wake up and have an attitude change.

So, this morning I did just that.  I chose my attitude for the day before it chose itself for me.  I chose JOY!  My facebook status for this morning was this,

"I choose to not live in the mundane existence of the day to day.  I choose to live in the joy of knowing I have a God given purpose for my life!"

And I am.