2020 and I finally have something to say...

 Wow! So it has been a few years since my last post... ok a lot of years.  

There are so many things that I want to say and I can't eloquently put them down so as usual you will get a "whatever is in my head, I put on here" thoughts.

20 years ago I had what I thought was the worst year of my life.  I was used, abused and got a tattoo as a keepsake.  However who would have thought that 2020 would happen and well, I don't want to say it was the worst but it definately gave my worst year a run for its money.

Lets just start witht he elephant in the room... World pandemic. Follow that up with being stuck indoors with my whole family for weeks on end and lets say my mental health got a good kick.  Homeschooling two boys who struggle to listen to just one simple instruction at a time, paired with, lack of understanding and an inability to read and you start to get my picture. At the time i took comfort`in the fact that I was not alone and everyone was doing it tough and whilst I knew they didn't all have to read aloud year 7 geography text books and navigate text to talk on every computer program for their autistic teen, I was ok.  Kind of.  At first I thought that this was the perfect opertunity to home school my boys and see if I liked it. (Spoiler - I did not.) This novelty soon wore off and I started going down hill fast.  My day consisted of waking up and looking at what the boys had to do for the day and working out who I could help first and how to explain it. (A lot of times I could not.)  Then making sure the family ate or were caffinated, in the case of my teen and myself, then to the books. I always did it early. We also tried taking a walk before study as well. To be honest my day went like this.

Wake up

Computer

Coffee

Computer - because lets face it I didn't know what I was looking at before coffee.

Whinging, complaining, shoving food at the boys to eat. - we called this "breakfast time".

Tears, meltdowns, screaming, loud noise and more tears - we called this "school time".

Then as early as possible - I kicked the boys outside for 30 mins with food and a chance for Dad to have his online meeting in quiet.

Follow all this by the boys coming inside and playing learning games or finishing other workand then on the ipad until I had the energy to deal with them again.

I am not proud of the amount of time they spent on the ipad during this time. I am also not proud of how fast I went downhill, and would have to have an afternoon nap and watched every hallmark movie I could to numb myself.  It was a fast, downhill spiral.  One I wish to never have to repeat.  

You know how when other mums tell of their amazing stories of breastfeeding when you can't and their babies sleeping through when yours can't or just won't?  You know that feeling of wanting to slap them so hard or hate them for life.  Well that is about my experience when another mum tells me how wonderful it was to have time at home with their family and how they loved homeschooling and how relaxing the time home was.  I can not say one of those things are true for me.  

I am an extrovert, however, I have realised I need space... and LOTS of it.  I have suffocated this year under all of that, oh and a new diagnosis for Mr 9 - who has been also diagnosed with Autism along with an Anxiety Disorder.  Living with someone who has anxiety is full on and pair that with Autism, well its "fun" to say the least.  Thankfully I love my kids and my husband, but this year has put that all to the test.  I sound horrible, I know.  But for me it is really hard.  Recently I went to my doctor as I thought I was sick or somethign was not right with my hormones or blood levels. After a full set of blood tests it turns out I was right, something was wrong, but it wasn't my blood, hormones or the like. The doctor told me I was simply burnt out.  So this is what that feels like... 

On a postitive note for the year - I joined a gym when they all opened back up. It is an all womens gym and it has been amazing for me.  Leaving the house, away from my all male family and with women, and the exercise has definately helped me.  I am loving pilates and have made some friends there, all of them are at least 20 years older than me but thats ok I love it.

Also, we have been very blessed that my hubby has been able to keep his job and work from home so I am so thankful to God for that.  He has now started back in the office one day a week and in the new year they are going to be going in 3 days a week.  I can't tell you how nice it is to have the house to myself for one day a week. 

I know a lot of people have done it much tougher both mentally and financially than I have this year and some have even lost loved ones either through the sickness or other causes.  I fully acknowledge the fact that I have been blessed and all these trials are making me stronger in my faith and the One who I believe in. 

As this year draws closer to an end I am praying for a better next year, but above all else that God's will be done here on earth.